Paraskevidekatriaphobia, the irrational and morbid fear that something really, really, but really bad is going to happen when the calendar turns to Friday the 13th.
Irrational? But there is a greater fear about a more definite and immediate threat of getting your head ‘sploded by cats. And there’s no name for that yet.
Even Miss Jenny was excluded from their conversation… Whatever, man… ‘Spect the ‘stache…
Eventually, Maz ambled back into the living room and “parked” himself in front of the television until…
Maz being nothing if not excessive, he ‘sploded another head, lifting his paw under the strain. Either that or he was passing gas.
For those who haven’t mastered their powers yet, and I pray they don’t, Tito recommends starting with something easy like the photobomb…
It’s Friday night and time for our pointy eared people to shine. Miss Nightshade Jenny is now fully integrated into the JBoD household. Tito and Kitsy are completely wrapped around her little paws. The cooing and trilling around here is enough to make person ill with the overwhelming sweetness of it all. In other words, they are happy. It’s all good. Our boys were happy before she came home with us. They are happier now.
My argument is that science often attempts to recreate naturally occurring phenomena by technological means, and that the results often are subject to the “law of unintended consequences”.
Over the past several decades, Hollywood has been instrumental in ‘gently’ opening the lid of the Genie’s bottle, through movies and television series designed to familiarize people with what was just over the horizon. Today, web instruments, like memes for instance, are used with similar intent.
We see hints poop up everywhere until they tend to coalesce into messages picked up and disseminated further by mass media.
Case in point, as we’ve all read and heard: the internet is made of tubes… The internet is made of cats… Fear the cat butt… Photos of cats’ eyes glowing in the dark “assuming direct control”… And now, cat farts. Why? To get a sense as to where this all might lead, let’s first have a look at NASA’s recording of solar events to analyze their occurrences and effects, using technology developed at LawrenceLivermore National Laboratory (LLNL).
The technology, developed to improve computer chips’ manufacturing specifications and performance, was used to great effect by the Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO). Below is a photo montage of slides taken by NASA’s vehicle:
Now for comparative purposes is a now familiar capture of Miss Jenny’s fart using a mass spectrometer:
While there do appear to be similarities, the shapes and energy releases (swirls and lightning) in the cat’s fart seem to display a more organized pattern, maybe even a design. But I’ll leave the potentially religious considerations to proponents of either Ceiling Cat or Basement Cat, and concentrate on the science.
The releases of energy, discovered by the LLNL scientists have been analyzed in conjunction with a researcher at Stanford’s Linear Accelerator Center (SLAC), and have been shown to be ‘influenced’ by emissions of light particles popularly (and erroneously) referred to as “laser eyes”.
Notice the realigning of molecules and energy. An instrument developed jointly by LLNL and SLAC is used to measure the pulse by pulse levels of energy of an X-ray Free Electron Laser (XFEL).
Now, the XFEL’s ability to capture atoms and molecules in motion with minimal disruption led to another intriguing discovery at SLAC’s Linac Coherent Light Source (LCLS) program: molecules in cats’ farts are imprinted with data and react to photonic emissions from their eyes (the cats’, not the molecules. And if you don’t stop cracking jokes in the back, you’ll get to stay after class).
My theory is that a cat farting on a human is simply an attempt to fully communicate with us, by ‘flagging’ all of our senses, and making us inhale information, so to speak. This process, or more accurately ‘collection of processes’ is now the subject of study for applications ranging from data storage and management to renewable energy (they cannot stop farting, it seems). So if the law of unintended consequences does apply, we may well end up with complete world domination by cats and find ourselves in the litter box… Remember:
Regrettably, I need to talk about the passing of two of my favorites… Let me rephrase that: the passing of gas by Mazuzu “Mace” Whang and Jenny N.
This is another dimension to the old “fear the cat butt” slogan, such as the one I wrote about in “when the nitty gets real gritty”.
When I grew up, our cats were indoors/outdoors with a large yard in which to romp. Our current crop of kittounes are housebound, but still get plenty of exercise. So, why they should squeeze out the foulest SBDs* on a semi-regular basis, I have no clue.
There’s no competition to eat, they all have plenty and stress-free nomming sessions.
I have no idea whether Tito ever cuts the cheese, but there is no doubting the other two open up the valves of hell whenever they get heavy petting.
The most foul? Miss Jenny. That’s right, and I can tell when it’s her as the air takes on a different hue and seems to shimmer as in the summer heat. That’s just before the cloud envelops you like an overly friendly drunk who hugs you and won’t let go and follows you all the way to the window.
You best start the fan, because the fiendish aerosol hangs about for a while and sounds travels slower through it: in her farts, no one can hear you scream. It even generates its own lightning!
No. There is no silver lining to those clouds… As to Maz, you can hear the faintest “buzz”, a bit like a distant boat motor and get a look of heavy sarcasm: “there’s more room outside than inside”, it seems to say. Then you feel like someone pelted you with rotten eggs and cat food.
We know cats took over the internet.
We have always known this would be the beginning, and we have proof that the end is nigh for man’s dominion over this world…
Tito has been exercising his power of inflicting pain on humans who displease Him from afar. Witness Him assuming direct control over this human on TV.
Mazuzu Whang displaying His power, eyes and ears in perfect celestial alignment… Did I mention he can fly?
Miss Jenny Herself ripped tufts of Her fur in rage (well okay, it was a fluffy toy but the intent was chillingly clear).
Traumatic though this upheaval may seem, Cats prove themselves to be kind Masters, Ceiling Cat be praised…
It’s Tito’s turn to feel under the weather with sniffles and sneezes galore. He is on his way to recovery, but it’s been a trying three days.
That and lay offs at work… In any event, this is our excuse for the delay in posting about our masters and mistress. The mistress who farted on me twice in less than 24 hours, the furry fiend. Oh she loves to be petted, for then she poots. Christ. Here they are in their splendor:
Well I was wrong: despite being a tortie mix, Jenny has not one crazy mean bone in her. We’ve now had plenty of opportunity to watch her at play with her two uncles, and heard nary a hiss.
She’ll hop next to them and “bop” one in the head with a mild slap and no claws (Maz is remarkably unscathed after several romps).
Although, there was this one time yesterday when Maz sat on the bed, watching her from his meatloaf position and she approached him from the floor, sideways and all fluffed up, growling fiercely.
The kind of growling that says “I will end you and all that you love”. Well, Maz being Maz remained unfazed and she “deflated” soon afterwards. This afternoon, she did a half-Frankenstein, leading us to hope for a full-Frankenstein at some point in the future.
Speaking of “deflation”, the little darling’s still got the occasional case of the farts. Perhaps we out to call her Jenny Pujol? For a feral kitty with virtually no ‘social’ interaction, it did not take much more than a week for Jenny to show her cuddly, loving and playful nature. We knew it was important for her to have a safe place to hide, but also to never be alone with the other two.
As expected, Tito had a major role in making her feel safe enough to venture out and greet us, and she loves to romp with Maz, especially.
Earlier, we chuckled at the computer desk crawling with them Pointy Eared folks.
We end this installment with a song we weren’t familiar with, about Freddie Mercury’s favorite cat Delilah. Enjoy.
Maz Whang’s been under the weather these past few days, something which wasn’t readily apparent at first.
Update by Rudha-an: Maz is better this evening. He’s eating more and has gone exploring in Jenny’s room instead of heading straight back to bed. He still has a way to go before he’s fully recovered, but he’s definitely on the road. 🙂
All three cats had the sneezes and got a little extra L-Lysine in their food. I thought at first he might be taken aback a bit by the new arrival, stifling his usual enthusiasm.
In addition, the weather’s turned colder, driving Maz under the blankets. That said, he spent an inordinate amount of time hidden there and –gasp – even stopped eating a couple days ago. Today was to be decision time about a trip to the vet, but Maz perked up early this morning, eating and even chasing Tito and Jenny briefly.
We’re monitoring him closely as even this bit of progress can be deceptive, but it’s still encouraging.
Tito and Jenny spend much of the day wrestling, Jenny meowing “UNCLE!” every so often, only to launch herself at Tito again once he lets go. PSYCH!
“She’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen Such a beautiful violence coming in”
– The Creatures “Prettiest Thing”
She now knows all the good sleeping spots: the chair by the kitchen window, the cat tower, the doggie bed by the computer and Tito’s paisley dog cushion by our bed.
I’m also very happy to announce that the turd flicking has stopped and that she no longer runs to hide when one of us bipeds lumbers around.
Tito played a huge part in bringing her out of her shell, and she is a loving little dynamo, purring up a storm at the slightest touch, grabbing the petting hand with both paws (but no claws) to rub her chin against it and patting it with both sets of pink jellybeans.
Yes, her tiny jellybeans are the color of pink lemonade.
What lovable creatures they all are… The cute is strong in this one.
Yet another dawn broke over JBoD’s realm, streaming photons into the fearsome three. Or two, since Tito is really more of a lovebug.
Miss Nightshade Jenny slumbers in her private room dreaming of the void between stars, while Tito longs to make friends and Maz Whang plots another food theft. Jenny’s food.
As a friend of Rudha-an suggested, it could well be that the mix of Siamese and Tortoiseshell in Jenny’s make up has resulted in a creature fit for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Witness the gnawing on my wife’s arm alternating with grooming: I chew, I lick, I chew, I lick… Look at her crossways and she hisses before grooming you again. Okay, but what about the chewing on Rudha-an’s eyebrows? By the way, for those of you who never experienced a kitten chewing contentedly on your eyebrows, the hardest part is fighting the giggles. Laughing could be deadly, and Mister Bean would be a perfect target for her “attentions”.
Looking at Jenny’s angelic face and the arch of her eyes, one could easily forget the unusual red fiery spots on her ears, giving a clue as to her temperament. I foresee epic encounters with Mazuzu Whang, himself so much larger than life, on a scale not seen since, well, since Galactus and the Silver Surfer showed up in our system, with Tito and us playing the role of the Fantastic Four.
By the way, just to clarify the kibble tossing: Jenny flicks her head to spit out the kibble, then bats it around. In other words she spits and smacks it around savagely. I am thinking of her more and more as Heddy. Miss Heddy Hades…
The sun will be setting soon, and knowing She owns the night, I shiver.