Caturday Blogging: Mazuzu needs a watch or the tyranny of noms

It’s not that Maz Whang is selfish, exactly… Or even that Tito is an enabler, but… Let’s again face the fact that Maz, a bit like Bad Santa, is an eating, drinking, sh*tting machine, who zeroes in on food with purpose and violence.

He does burn through calories like a three alarm fire and prefers 80 degrees weather.

Tito would even sit on a kitchen chair, looking at us with eyes half-closed, a signal that he wants canned food, only to leave it to Maz once he showed up: in other words tricking us into feeding Maz even more.

watchful Tito
I watch and see all

But that’s just Tito being the Big Brother, the Paraclete. Three in the morning, Maz digs at my wife, standing on her for effect. Claws are always out, by the way: he always has that sense of urgency about him, like Indiana Jones pressing his face in the wall as he is about to get crushed: “we-are-going-to-die!

The rule is, though: no canned food until six a.m.

Which means that for Rudha-an, the window from 3 to 6 a.m. is a preview of purgatory, pummeled by this mace wrapped in leather while I (mostly) sleep soundly and justly. The way of the world is the way of the cat, perhaps especially one that looks like David Bowie in “the man who fell to Earth”.

Maz fleshy folds
Keeps food in the fleshy folds of his visage...

Okay, in truth, Maz is more Richard Widmark than Bowie, but he is a star.

Good thing, then, that Maz’ naked ambitions are checked by the crème brulee that is Miss Jenny. We used to joke that Maz was nuclear powered, watching him streak through the apartment, up and down the furniture and hanging from the cat tower like a monkey. But she matches him step by step and then some. And that’s no small feat.

Tito hugging Jenny
She is so nommable

So while the Whang does his thang, the blue-eyed she-devil chases after him to steal… Well, kisses, actually.

Jenny and Maz
I wuvs him

That’s right, she nuzzles both boys and grooms them to the point that we thankfully no longer need to use Q-tips on Maz’ flappers.

Maybe she can be enticed in tackling Maz when he starts his food dance at three in the morning…? No.

Nope, she’ll stand right next to him waiting for noms, maybe even egging him on. She dances to her own tune, that one: if noms aren’t forthcoming, she’ll just force Maz into a high-speed chase or chew on his leg while Tito watches from the shadows in the hallway, always waiting.

Maz Jenny Tito
Looks like a Disney movie...

So… “Jules and Jim“, or might a “Pact of Steel” be in the works? All I know is even I often wake up from being hit by a high-speed feline cannonball, making me yell “F****G FASCIST!!!” like Jeff Lebowski…


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Caturday Blogging: the temptation of Tito

After 40 days and nights of Jenny and Maz farting through the wilderness, which is still ongoing, and being relentlessly tempted to misbehave, Tito finally gives in…

Tito
Moi?

Sure, sure, the other two are so much fun to romp and wrestle with, and so… Nommable.

Kitsune
In here with us

Sure, Maz steals food and likes to plant his arse and naughty bits in our faces when we sleep (I found an egg roll on the kitchen floor this very morning), while Jenny attacks anything that moves or she thinks is moving, farting up a storm as I lean to pet her.

Miss Jenny
Chicka chicka bow wow

Tito started by playing alone behind the drapes, as he likes to do. once in a while stopping to see if the others were enticed to come and check him out. This took some time, as Maz was busy looking for something to steal, or “liberate” as he calls it, in the kitchen and Jenny herself was stalking him, fascinated as she is by his spectacular nakedness ( she often looks back at us with a WTF is that look on her face).

Suddenly the noises from the window became a racket and we both turned to see that Tito had climbed up the drapes all the way to the ceiling, his head rotating almost 180 degrees, “exorcist” like. This was a first… The climbing, I mean. I’ve seen him do the head thing before when he’s tripping on catnip.

Sigh… Little Tito wants to fly…

Evil, never forget, is ever watchful.


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: the crapture

… Los Bastardos, those high priests of malevolence, Maz “the mace” Whang and Miss Pirate Jenny, continue their re-enactment of “children of Dune” on an 18 by 24 inch stage…

No spice and no worms (thank Ceiling Cat), only disastrous leavings draped or laid in odd places like the edge of the litter box or the floor. I’ve actually watched Maz back up in the box and drop a load on the floor…

I wonder whether Salvador Dali had cats… That could explain this:

Dali clock painting
Like soft cat leavings. Thanks guys...

Cleaning up these messes is no fun and brings Rudha-an close to horking. Sigh… So I’ll do my best to try and keep my cookies down as I pick up the horrid turds.

I'm tidy..!
I’m tidy..!
I fear this. Very much
I fear this. Very much
"Because I can..."
“Because I can…”


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: Noms and Naps

Another Friday night rolls around and it’s time for our kitties to shine. Miss jenny continues to make changes in the household. The morning and evening rampages are a sight to behold. They also sound like a herd of elephants. When they aren’t rampaging, they like to hang out in the kitchen and soak up the sun.

Tito is waiting for his noms
Tito is waiting for his noms
Kitsy being a window kitty
Kitsy being a window kitty
Miss Nightshade Jenny practicing the art of camouflage
Miss Nightshade Jenny practicing the art of camouflage


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: Happy Kitties and a Happy Dog

Another Friday night has rolled around and it’s time for our pointy eared people to have the spotlight. Ok, it’s only Friday afternoon, but what the heck. Here they are enjoying their favorite pastimes. We have always had happy kitty cats. I think they are even more happy since Jenny’s arrival.

Tito hiding in the box
Tito hiding in the box
Kitsy clutching his tail
Kitsy clutching his tail
Miss Jenny snuggling with papa
Miss Jenny snuggling with papa

Now we would like to share this happy dog video. I think happy is an understatement.


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Paraskevidekatriaphobia, the irrational and morbid fear that something really, really, but really bad is going to happen when the calendar turns to Friday the 13th.
Irrational? But there is a greater fear about a more definite and immediate threat of getting your head ‘sploded by cats. And there’s no name for that yet.

Friday 13 Tito and Maz
0927 hrs - 1/13/2011: they stopped speaking as I walked into the kitchen

Even Miss Jenny was excluded from their conversation… Whatever, man… ‘Spect the ‘stache…

Walrus? Walpurgis? Tom Selleck?
Walrus? Walpurgis? Tom Selleck?

Eventually, Maz ambled back into the living room and “parked” himself in front of the television until…

melon go kablooie
I make melon go kablooie

Maz being nothing if not excessive, he ‘sploded another head, lifting his paw under the strain. Either that or he was passing gas.

Kapow Maz blows hedds
See what I did there? No? Watch again!

For those who haven’t mastered their powers yet, and I pray they don’t, Tito recommends starting with something easy like the photobomb…


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: Love is in the Air

It’s Friday night and time for our pointy eared people to shine. Miss Nightshade Jenny is now fully integrated into the JBoD household. Tito and Kitsy are completely wrapped around her little paws. The cooing and trilling around here is enough to make person ill with the overwhelming sweetness of it all. In other words, they are happy. It’s all good. Our boys were happy before she came home with us. They are happier now.

Tito: I will hug her and lick her and....
Tito: I will hug her and lick her and….
Kitsy and Jenny having a warm snuggle in the basket
Kitsy and Jenny having a warm snuggle in the basket


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Feline flatulence and the future of civilization

My argument is that science often attempts to recreate naturally occurring phenomena by technological means, and that the results often are subject to the “law of unintended consequences”.

Over the past several decades, Hollywood has been instrumental in ‘gently’ opening the lid of the Genie’s bottle, through movies and television series designed to familiarize people with what was just over the horizon. Today, web instruments, like memes for instance, are used with similar intent.

We see hints poop up everywhere until they tend to coalesce into messages picked up and disseminated further by mass media.

Case in point, as we’ve all read and heard: the internet is made of tubes… The internet is made of cats… Fear the cat butt… Photos of cats’ eyes glowing in the dark “assuming direct control”… And now, cat farts. Why? To get a sense as to where this all might lead, let’s first have a look at NASA’s recording of solar events to analyze their occurrences and effects, using technology developed at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (LLNL).

The technology, developed to improve computer chips’ manufacturing specifications and performance, was used to great effect by the Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO). Below is a photo montage of slides taken by NASA’s vehicle:

LLNL NASA SDO Sun shots
Solar slides taken by NASA’s SDO

Now for comparative purposes is a now familiar capture of Miss Jenny’s fart using a mass spectrometer:

Jenny fart cloud
Mass spectrometer assisted photographic capture of cat poot.

While there do appear to be similarities, the shapes and energy releases (swirls and lightning) in the cat’s fart seem to display a more organized pattern, maybe even a design. But I’ll leave the potentially religious considerations to proponents of either Ceiling Cat or Basement Cat, and concentrate on the science.

The releases of energy, discovered by the LLNL scientists have been analyzed in conjunction with a researcher at Stanford’s Linear Accelerator Center (SLAC), and have been shown to be ‘influenced’ by emissions of light particles popularly (and erroneously) referred to as “laser eyes”.

cat fart reacting to cat's eye photonic emission
Jenny’s fart cloud reacting to photonic emissions from Tito’s peepers

Notice the realigning of molecules and energy. An instrument developed jointly by LLNL and SLAC is used to measure the pulse by pulse levels of energy of an X-ray Free Electron Laser (XFEL).

Now, the XFEL’s ability to capture atoms and molecules in motion with minimal disruption led to another intriguing discovery at SLAC’s Linac Coherent Light Source (LCLS) program: molecules in cats’ farts are imprinted with data and react to photonic emissions from their eyes (the cats’, not the molecules. And if you don’t stop cracking jokes in the back, you’ll get to stay after class).

My theory is that a cat farting on a human is simply an attempt to fully communicate with us, by ‘flagging’ all of our senses, and making us inhale information, so to speak. This process, or more accurately ‘collection of processes’ is now the subject of study for applications ranging from data storage and management to renewable energy (they cannot stop farting, it seems). So if the law of unintended consequences does apply, we may well end up with complete world domination by cats and find ourselves in the litter box… Remember:

He who controls the farts
“HE WHO CONTROLS THE FARTS CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE”


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats Blogging: with sadness and a whiff of disgust

Regrettably, I need to talk about the passing of two of my favorites… Let me rephrase that: the passing of gas by Mazuzu “Mace” Whang and Jenny N.
This is another dimension to the old “fear the cat butt” slogan, such as the one I wrote about in “when the nitty gets real gritty”.

Mazuzu farts, Tito is camouflaged
Mazuzu farts, Tito is camouflaged

When I grew up, our cats were indoors/outdoors with a large yard in which to romp. Our current crop of kittounes are housebound, but still get plenty of exercise. So, why they should squeeze out the foulest SBDs* on a semi-regular basis, I have no clue.
There’s no competition to eat, they all have plenty and stress-free nomming sessions.

peas in a pod farts in a box
Peas in a pod, farts in a box...

I have no idea whether Tito ever cuts the cheese, but there is no doubting the other two open up the valves of hell whenever they get heavy petting.
The most foul? Miss Jenny. That’s right, and I can tell when it’s her as the air takes on a different hue and seems to shimmer as in the summer heat. That’s just before the cloud envelops you like an overly friendly drunk who hugs you and won’t let go and follows you all the way to the window.

Jenny's fart photo using a Mass Spectrometer
Jenny's fart photographed with a mass spectrometer

You best start the fan, because the fiendish aerosol hangs about for a while and sounds travels slower through it: in her farts, no one can hear you scream. It even generates its own lightning!

No. There is no silver lining to those clouds… As to Maz, you can hear the faintest “buzz”, a bit like a distant boat motor and get a look of heavy sarcasm: “there’s more room outside than inside”, it seems to say. Then you feel like someone pelted you with rotten eggs and cat food.

* SBD: Silent But Deadly


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share

Friday Night Cats blogging: New World Order

We know cats took over the internet.
We have always known this would be the beginning, and we have proof that the end is nigh for man’s dominion over this world…
Tito has been exercising his power of inflicting pain on humans who displease Him from afar. Witness Him assuming direct control over this human on TV.

Tito assuming direct control
Tito assuming direct control

Mazuzu Whang displaying His power, eyes and ears in perfect celestial alignment… Did I mention he can fly?

Kitsy eyes and ears alignment
Thus spake Mazuzu Whang

Miss Jenny Herself ripped tufts of Her fur in rage (well okay, it was a fluffy toy but the intent was chillingly clear).

Jenny furry toy
BOW DOWN! FEAR THE CAT BUTT!

Traumatic though this upheaval may seem, Cats prove themselves to be kind Masters, Ceiling Cat be praised…


Increase your website traffic with Attracta.com

Share